This is the look my dog gives me when I start to talk about work:
Yep, even he is tired of the complaining and the waffling. He’ll be happy to know that the talk about work will soon be replaced by something new to complain about. I mean it’s always something isn’t it?
Perhaps I need to read the yoga books again and get back to happy, positive thoughts but too many of those and my brain might explode. I’m actually not really a whiner but that shadow of doubt is there a lot. Time to pick myself up and think positively, come up with a plan and most importantly put in the work. That’s really the key, you can dream all you want but if you don’t put in the work then your dreams probably aren’t going to happen.
I’m starting with lists, I’m good at lists. A list of what I would like my life to look like, a list of how to get my life to where I want it and lists of tasks to do. Life becomes easier when we have a checklist. At least I think it does, then I have to stop making lists and start doing.
Or maybe the right thing to say is contemplating change is exhausting. Full of what if’s…..
What if I leave this job and don’t find another one? What if I try to do what I would like to do and fail? What if I there isn’t something better? What if I run out of money and can’t pay my mortgage? What if I end up homeless? You know the usual worst case scenario thinking that stops us from taking a leap of faith because we don’t want to end up as bad ladies (or men).
Then the big what if that I keep coming back to is what if I don’t even try? What if I take the leap and it works? What if there is a better way?
Worst case scenario is really that I take a few months off and write. Give myself the time and space to really try without deadlines and dread hanging over my head. Throw myself into it. I have the skeleton done it needs to be filled in. Lately though I am too tired to think, to organize, to put in the effort. If at the end of a few months it’s not working or looking like it might work, then I find a job.
So I have a plan that I will put into place. After this week I have a week off, time to enjoy and work out the details of a plan (also go to Banff for a few days). I already have an outline, now I just need to fill it in. The biggest hurdle though is the fear of letting go of the life I’ve known for fifteen years and dare to leap into a new one. I am feeling ready though and oddly comfortable with taking the leap, the scales have tipped in favour of pursuing a dream instead of hanging onto security.
A pretty yellow flower to cheer me up before my optimism gets squashed again.
Today is going to be a long day, I can feel it coming. I have a meeting at work, at the job that has become like a bad relationship. I’m not sure we can turn it around. The thought of change is terrifying and exciting. I’ve been at my current job for fifteen years and I believe it is time to move on but to what?
What is the next chapter? What do I want to do? Where do I want to go?
In a job that is draining it’s hard to find the energy to be optimistic about an uncertain future. Especially when the past year has been such a blow to my confidence but I know that I am capable of more, that when I am excited about an opportunity and people believe in me I can achieve great things. So I will believe that there is something remarkable around the corner and once I close this chapter and shake the dust off, I will find it and put in the work to achieve it.
The picture is from inside St. Stephen Basilica. I love churches which is something I’ve really come to realize while traveling. The quiet in a church is just so welcome. Also they tend to be beautiful with great art.
Thinking of making changes churches become one place of contemplation but where else do we look for answers?
I have a few friends going through changes, must be something in the stars. Which is funny because when going through change or contemplating a change I notice that often people turn to the stars. They start reading their horoscopes, consulting psychics or go on a big trip. Apparently the answer is within us but we can’t seem to get it out. It’s not clear, we feel like we’re in a muddle so we look for answers anywhere we can.
Travel also tends to bring clarity and I think it’s because you get away from the everyday. You step outside of living your everyday life and can suddenly see it with some perspective. It was over my trip in January that I knew I had to change. Which is a great first step, now maybe I need another trip to figure out what I that change should be. In the mean time I’ll contemplate in a church, read my horoscope and maybe listen to the ranting guy on the corner, you never know he might have the answer.
Also I will write in my journal because that often brings out some surprises and starts to give direction to an idea. The change isn’t going to happen overnight but I’m on my way and in the big picture my life is pretty good the way it is, I just think it could be better. Step by step I’ll find a new path, along with figuring out which way to go I need to remember patience.
I’ve been a very lazy blogger the last few weeks. I did manage to get pictures up but that was about all I had the desire to do. I’ve been thinking and napping, as often as I can with the basset. On April 1st I had been at my current company for fourteen years.
Instead of blogging I was thinking about what I’m doing with my life, why was I still at a company that wasn’t suppose to be long term. It’s a good job but I don’t love it. There have been a lot of changes over the years and more changes recently, enough to make me think of leaving. Leaving and wondering what to do next as it turns out is exhausting. Being unhappy at your job is very tiring. Now I’m starting to form a plan and thinking of what to do next, instead of apprehension I’m getting to feeling optimistic about changing. Still a solid plan I don’t have but I am starting to look at options.
In some ways I’m back to being thirteen and grasping at straws, dreaming of everything I’ve wanted to be. Now though I do need to throw in reality what can I realistically do. There are a lot of options and the more I think about it the more options come up.
Anybody need somebody to travel and write for them?
That one probably isn’t going to work out right away, so that’s why I’m working on a back up plan.