Tag Archives: advice

Train Wreck TV

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I have a confession.

I love train wreck television or maybe a better way to phrase that is I can’t stop watching when a total train wreck is on the television.

Last week I discovered Tough Love Miami a show for single women to learn what they are doing wrong when they are dating. They get advice on how to present themselves better and basic dating advice. Like don’t make out in public, don’t insult your date, stuff like that. There were tears over the make overs and the everybody has to wear a bikini to learn about “inner beauty” challenge. WTF?

The advice is actually pretty sound and most of it is basic common sense but the women are hilarious and the host can be a dick but it’s all for they’re own good, apparently. I need to drop the show now because otherwise I’ll be working my schedule around it. Sad I know.

This is where Rock of Love was considerate, it was on late on Sundays. Anybody else remember Rock of Love or the one on the bus? OMG even friends that don’t watch or like train wreck television would call to see if I was watching and talk about it. Tough Love is no Rock of Love but it’s close. Rock of Love was basically a bunch of groupies fighting for Brett Michaels affection (EWWWWWW!) it was horrifying to watch and they seemed to drink 24/7. Drinking always makes for great train wreck television. Their were cat fights and they were lined up to see who could shove they’re tongue the furthest down Brett Michaels throat. The one question everybody had was “Is he going bald?”, Brett was always wearing a bandana or hat and still singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” the song he wrote for a stripper that broke up with him.

At the end of Tough Love somebody gets to sit in the chair of shame and gets reprimanded for their bad dating behaviour. I wish Rock of Love had a chair of shame ….. actually I think Rock of Love would have needed a couch to fit everybody.

Giving Advice

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It happens, a friend is in a pickle or a bad situation and you want to give them your two cents. You want to be helpful, provide guidance, give them support with helpful suggestions. This is all great and advice is a valuable resource in our lives but remember it is your advice and their life.

Just because you give advice doesn’t mean somebody needs to take it. They can listen, take it in and still come up with their own answers. This is not an attack on you so don’t take it personally (so many do) and also if they don’t take your advice and things get worse don’t say “I told you so”. Nobody likes “I told you so” person.

Just start again, listen, be patient and offer (often the same) guidance.

People need to find their own way, we all have different paths to follow and what works for you might not work for the person in the pickle.

The best thing you can do is actually not give advice and just listen. People usually know what they should do, what the right thing is but need to come around to it in their own time. So instead of immediately jumping in and telling them what they should do, take a step back and ask them what they think they should do.

If you give advice and somebody says “I didn’t ask for your advice”, this usually means you’ve said something they didn’t want to hear. Back off, drop it and don’t push it. Let them live their own lives. Just offer support and change the subject.

People make mistakes. Everyday. Sometimes in order to get to where we want to be, we take the long road. It’s easy to see what somebody else should or shouldn’t do but sometimes when you are living through something, you can’t see the situation objectively. This is where gentle prodding can help. To try to get somebody to stand back and look at a situation.

The other big problem is bad decisions often include short term gain. Such as being able to avoid a problem or shove it under the rug. To put on blinders or use a band-aid to fix something short term. Advice often has the big picture in mind. Until somebody wants to see the big picture, they won’t take the advice.

Here is the hard one to take. Sometimes advice is crap and what works for one person doesn’t work for another. Maybe the person giving advice can’t see the whole picture or is making assumptions. If somebody is fighting your advice take a step back, ask questions, listen to them and see if you’re missing a piece of the puzzle.

At the end of the day it is up to the other person whether they listen to and use your advice.

Whether they do take your advice or not a friend will still be there to lend support.

If you are in a pickle or have a question or just want some good advice send an email to BEAR ADVICE.

Other advice from The Bear Blame Game, Searching For Men.

What I learned from my Granny

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My Granny passed away over ten years ago but she’s with me every day. Through the things the said that have stuck in my head. Here is just a brief list of some things I learnt from her:

How to make a cup of tea. Warm the tea pot, rinse it with hot water. If you don’t my Granny will proclaim that you have ruined the tea and make you start again. Also the milk and sugar goes in the cup first and then you pour the tea. (The best way to wake up is with your Granny bringing you a cup of tea and two cookies).

You get dressed before breakfast.

Eat everything on your plate. Yes everything. We usually had to serve ourselves and if I took it and put it  on my plate I had to eat it. Even if it took hours.

Granny was big on lady do’s and don’ts:

  • A lady never leaves the house without lipstick and her hair done.
  • A lady keeps her hands manicured.
  • A lady always wears a slip with a skirt.
  • A lady keeps a clean house (the closets are fair game, you can shove a ton of crap into a closet as long as the door closes, her closets were jammed FULL).
  • A lady may ask questions out of concern but doesn’t gossip. (Granny was concerned a lot).
  • A lady does not swear or drink beer (cider shandy is ok)

Granny was totally against any kind of adornment of feet (I don’t know why) apparently if you decorated your feet with red nail polish, an ankle bracelet or toe ring it was a sure sign that you were a whore. Hmmm….. maybe the guy that called me a whore could tell that I had painted my toe nails?  CLICK HERE if you missed that story. Whenever I get a pedicure I feel guilty, like I’ve done something wrong but I love a good pedicure so I’ll live with the shame and cover my feet. If I’m not showing them in public it’s okay. Isn’t it?

Her advice on men was “If he hits you leave, nothing is worth staying for” and “If he cheats lock him out, keep everything.”

Well I live by some of the things I learned but I’ve also learned I’m not much of a lady by Granny standards.

Still I love still being reminded of her just through the little things I remember her saying every day.

What did you learn from your Grandma?

Bear Advice – Blame Game

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Once you’ve broken up the most constructive thing to do is stop the blame game. Give up on blaming, the name calling, the reasons for the break up. Once you’ve hit the point where it’s over, drop it. The reasons no longer matter. Time to move forward. If you keep pointing fingers hoping to hear the words you longed to hear in the relationship or the explanation for their actions you will be disappointed.

Focus on you, on moving ahead. The blame game leads to running in circles and generally more things being said that you can’t take back.

It is not up to you to make the other person understand what you believe they did wrong. Not your place to enlighten them on their flaws. Once you break up the other person is no longer your business. What they do, who they see, how they conduct themselves, not your business.

Blame also tends to be about failed expectations, something you thought the other person should do or should know. If they didn’t know they were suppose to do these things or know these things while you were together it’s not going to help to yell at them now for being a disappointment.

Wish them a good day and move on. Focus on what needs to happen during the transition. Packing up, splitting up assets, sorting out finances. Focus on cutting all the ties so you have a clean slate and the freedom to move on. That includes leaving the blame behind. It’s hard to move forward when you’re dragging around resentment and still going off about the past.

If you have a question for The Bear click here. He loves getting mail.

Bear Advice – Looking for men….

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Dear Bear,

Where have all the good men gone? By the time you get to my age (that is, middle age), there seems to be only two types of men: taken (married with kids) or beyond their best before date (just ‘no’).

Where do you think is the best place to meet a fun, attractive, stable, mature guy?  Thanks Anita

Well Anita, as a single, fun, attractive, stable, single bear I can answer this question.

Where to meet us? (I am going to count myself in the category you are looking for). We are out living. We are pursuing interests, invested in hobbies, hanging with friends, being active. We are not sitting around pining and whining about not being able to find a good woman.

Like us the fun, attractive, stable, mature women we are attracted to are out living. To meet a fun, stable, attractive guy get out there and do something. Pursue a hobby, go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Live, meet people, become part of a group or join a team, take a class, something where you will see the same people over and over. This way you form friendships, get to know people and expand your circle of friends. The wider the net the more likely you will meet someone who piques your interest. A moving target is much more attractive than a sitting, sulking one.

Even if you don’t meet the man of your dreams you will meet other people, make more friends and be having a hell of a good time.

At least I have found this to be true.

Sincerely The Bear

Do you have a question for The Bear? Click Here and send The Bear a question!

 

More welcome chat….

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So I’m not sure exactly what will happen here but I need a hobby or something to do other then organizing soup cans, looking up old 80′s tunes and seeing what exciting things other people are doing on Facebook. So maybe this will keep me out of trouble and maybe I (and possibly you) will learn something. Even if its that I’m not a very interesting person and need a life. Having a lot of time to think and look things up I have a head full of useless information.

I’m sure somewhere and in a different context it would be useful but in my job it is not. Nobody ever wants to know who the editor of Vanity Fair is (Graydon Carter) or when Star Wars opened (May 25, 1977) or what the first video on MTV was (“Video Killed the Radio Star” by the Buggles). Personally I think that if my company worked stuff like that into meetings and web articles on a regular basis people would be more interested and engaged.

I would find it more interesting than say ….. the recent article on “How to deal with difficult emotions…. our own and others’. This was interesting and surprisingly entertaining but I’m sure not in the way communications people meant. I had many conversations with others and they had some very good idea’s on how to deal with difficult emotions (and people) but oddly none of them were in the article.

I chose “Quipidity” because the domain name was not taken and since there are so many other blogs out there that I’m sure are much more useful and informative than mine I figure I can treat this as my journal (on serious days) and my diary (on petty, lazy days) since probably three people (Hey Girls! Dinner soon?) will read this.

If you are not one of the three and feel like offering insight, advice, comments or suggestions I would love to hear from you. If you need insight, advice or suggestions just ask. With my busy life I may not be able to help but “The Bear” will probably be able to help you out. He’s old, wise, retired and has a lot of time on his hands so he has time to think and research.

Here is “The Bear”

See he just looks smart and sympathetic he can be reached at:

bear dot advice at quipidity dot com