Category Archives: Talk to the Bear

Giving Advice

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It happens, a friend is in a pickle or a bad situation and you want to give them your two cents. You want to be helpful, provide guidance, give them support with helpful suggestions. This is all great and advice is a valuable resource in our lives but remember it is your advice and their life.

Just because you give advice doesn’t mean somebody needs to take it. They can listen, take it in and still come up with their own answers. This is not an attack on you so don’t take it personally (so many do) and also if they don’t take your advice and things get worse don’t say “I told you so”. Nobody likes “I told you so” person.

Just start again, listen, be patient and offer (often the same) guidance.

People need to find their own way, we all have different paths to follow and what works for you might not work for the person in the pickle.

The best thing you can do is actually not give advice and just listen. People usually know what they should do, what the right thing is but need to come around to it in their own time. So instead of immediately jumping in and telling them what they should do, take a step back and ask them what they think they should do.

If you give advice and somebody says “I didn’t ask for your advice”, this usually means you’ve said something they didn’t want to hear. Back off, drop it and don’t push it. Let them live their own lives. Just offer support and change the subject.

People make mistakes. Everyday. Sometimes in order to get to where we want to be, we take the long road. It’s easy to see what somebody else should or shouldn’t do but sometimes when you are living through something, you can’t see the situation objectively. This is where gentle prodding can help. To try to get somebody to stand back and look at a situation.

The other big problem is bad decisions often include short term gain. Such as being able to avoid a problem or shove it under the rug. To put on blinders or use a band-aid to fix something short term. Advice often has the big picture in mind. Until somebody wants to see the big picture, they won’t take the advice.

Here is the hard one to take. Sometimes advice is crap and what works for one person doesn’t work for another. Maybe the person giving advice can’t see the whole picture or is making assumptions. If somebody is fighting your advice take a step back, ask questions, listen to them and see if you’re missing a piece of the puzzle.

At the end of the day it is up to the other person whether they listen to and use your advice.

Whether they do take your advice or not a friend will still be there to lend support.

If you are in a pickle or have a question or just want some good advice send an email to BEAR ADVICE.

Other advice from The Bear Blame Game, Searching For Men.

Bear Advice – Blame Game

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Once you’ve broken up the most constructive thing to do is stop the blame game. Give up on blaming, the name calling, the reasons for the break up. Once you’ve hit the point where it’s over, drop it. The reasons no longer matter. Time to move forward. If you keep pointing fingers hoping to hear the words you longed to hear in the relationship or the explanation for their actions you will be disappointed.

Focus on you, on moving ahead. The blame game leads to running in circles and generally more things being said that you can’t take back.

It is not up to you to make the other person understand what you believe they did wrong. Not your place to enlighten them on their flaws. Once you break up the other person is no longer your business. What they do, who they see, how they conduct themselves, not your business.

Blame also tends to be about failed expectations, something you thought the other person should do or should know. If they didn’t know they were suppose to do these things or know these things while you were together it’s not going to help to yell at them now for being a disappointment.

Wish them a good day and move on. Focus on what needs to happen during the transition. Packing up, splitting up assets, sorting out finances. Focus on cutting all the ties so you have a clean slate and the freedom to move on. That includes leaving the blame behind. It’s hard to move forward when you’re dragging around resentment and still going off about the past.

If you have a question for The Bear click here. He loves getting mail.

Bear Advice – Looking for men….

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Dear Bear,

Where have all the good men gone? By the time you get to my age (that is, middle age), there seems to be only two types of men: taken (married with kids) or beyond their best before date (just ‘no’).

Where do you think is the best place to meet a fun, attractive, stable, mature guy?  Thanks Anita

Well Anita, as a single, fun, attractive, stable, single bear I can answer this question.

Where to meet us? (I am going to count myself in the category you are looking for). We are out living. We are pursuing interests, invested in hobbies, hanging with friends, being active. We are not sitting around pining and whining about not being able to find a good woman.

Like us the fun, attractive, stable, mature women we are attracted to are out living. To meet a fun, stable, attractive guy get out there and do something. Pursue a hobby, go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Live, meet people, become part of a group or join a team, take a class, something where you will see the same people over and over. This way you form friendships, get to know people and expand your circle of friends. The wider the net the more likely you will meet someone who piques your interest. A moving target is much more attractive than a sitting, sulking one.

Even if you don’t meet the man of your dreams you will meet other people, make more friends and be having a hell of a good time.

At least I have found this to be true.

Sincerely The Bear

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