Category Archives: Pondering Problems

Even The Basset Is Tired Of Hearing About It…..

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This is the look my dog gives me when I start to talk about work:
Basset Look

Yep, even he is tired of the complaining and the waffling. He’ll be happy to know that the talk about work will soon be replaced by something new to complain about. I mean it’s always something isn’t it?

Perhaps I need to read the yoga books again and get back to happy, positive thoughts but too many of those and my brain might explode. I’m actually not really a whiner but that shadow of doubt is there a lot. Time to pick myself up and think positively, come up with a plan and most importantly put in the work. That’s really the key, you can dream all you want but if you don’t put in the work then your dreams probably aren’t going to happen.

I’m starting with lists, I’m good at lists. A list of what I would like my life to look like, a list of how to get my life to where I want it and lists of tasks to do. Life becomes easier when we have a checklist. At least I think it does, then I have to stop making lists and start doing.

Change Is Exhausting

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Or maybe the right thing to say is contemplating change is exhausting. Full of what if’s…..

What if I leave this job and don’t find another one? What if I try to do what I would like to do and fail? What if I there isn’t something better? What if I run out of money and can’t pay my mortgage? What if I end up homeless? You know the usual worst case scenario thinking that stops us from taking a leap of faith because we don’t want to end up as bad ladies (or men).

Then the big what if that I keep coming back to is what if I don’t even try? What if I take the leap and it works? What if there is a better way?

Worst case scenario is really that I take a few months off and write. Give myself the time and space to really try without deadlines and dread hanging over my head. Throw myself into it. I have the skeleton done it needs to be filled in. Lately though I am too tired to think, to organize, to put in the effort. If at the end of a few months it’s not working or looking like it might work, then I find a job.

So I have a plan that I will put into place. After this week I have a week off, time to enjoy and work out the details of a plan (also go to Banff for a few days). I already have an outline, now I just need to fill it in. The biggest hurdle though is the fear of letting go of the life I’ve known for fifteen years and dare to leap into a new one. I am feeling ready though and oddly comfortable with taking the leap, the scales have tipped in favour of pursuing a dream instead of hanging onto security.

 

This Is How I Feel Today

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Stormy Hawaii

Still Hawaii, a black and white shot from the boat.

Is it a storm coming in or just leaving? Are the clouds coming or going?

There is something happening but the light is still coming through. I can see the light….. I think. It’s been a long week with work being super busy and a bit of the unknown. A meeting tomorrow with my boss, concerning some performance issues from the beginning of last year. At the beginning of last year I fell apart and I can’t believe we’re still talking about it.

Also had a session with Rita, a 3 in 1 practitioner who I call my counsellor. Found at the beginning of the year and she has been such a great help to me. Such a contrast to the first counsellor I sought out many years ago, there is a story I’ll tell one day. Slowly I’m understanding so much of what motivates me and what holds me back. More importantly I’m learning why. Today was a lot to take in, it is a process and now I’m feeling like I’m getting somewhere. I’m feeling drained, still processing everything that we covered.

Also it must be something in the air because I know another who is having a hard time. All things will pass, they will get better, I believe.

I also believe this time next week I will be in San Diego soaking up the sun, today just a memory.

Squeegsh, Squeegsh, Squeegsh…….

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At lunch today I was walking back to the office through the plus 15, it’s a second floor walkway in Calgary that links many of the downtown buildings together so we don’t have to go outside in the winter.

ANYWAY in front of me was a woman talking loudly to her friends. She had BIG curly hair, a hot pink blouse with a black camisole underneath and super tight jeans with a white belt with polka dots on it. Actually the belt was really cute. The blouse would swing as she walked and I could watch the belt tilt with every step, the polka dots would swing up, then down. Giving one a bit of a sense of sea sickness. She had bounce and her hands were going everywhere.

The jeans were too tight and her bottom was very ample, with the white belt and the stitching on the pockets it was too much then as you looked down the leg of the jeans they came in at the knee and then flared out. The only people that can pull of jeans like that are bean poles and she was not one.

I found watching her rather mesmerizing all the motion and the bouncing and the swaying. I’m not sure what she was talking about as her voice was more background noise to the volumes the rest of her actions and clothes spoke.

The suddenly I noticed a squeak or a squigee squeak. With every step squeegsh, squeegsh, squeegsh……. making her swaying but and tilting belt all the more entertaining. I started to smile and could hear the noise in my head squeegsh, squeegsh, squeegsh …. it’s the kind of noise you want to say out loud. To try it out, see if it fits. Then as I started to break into a bigger smile because to me this was becoming funny all I could picture was the little lady in Sixteen Candles that was the organ player at the sisters wedding.

Remember her? She had the girdle that was too tight and with every step she made the squeegsh, squeegsh, squeegsh noise.

That was it it sent me over the edge and I started to giggle. I was about to laugh. Out loud. While walking alone. All I could do was stop and try to let her gain some time to get ahead of me and for me to compose myself. All I could think was squeegsh, squeegsh, squeegsh and see that big butt just swaying with each squeegsh. I tried not to laugh but I had already started giggling. Every tried to make yourself stop giggling?

I stopped giggling and started laughing. To try and save some face I took my phone out to try and make it look like I was having a funny conversation. I looked like a fool. Plus the conversation was one sided, the non existent side because if I had opened my mouth the only thing that would have come out was squeegsh, squeegsh, squeegsh.

Eventually I composed myself and walked outside, got some air and then stopped by a mirror to wipe mascara from under my eyes. I was close to  a full on gigglefest, guffaw meltdown. Fun while drinking with friends but crazy lunatic lady when by yourself.

The noise was actually from the heals of her shoes. With each step they had been creaking out opposition at the force with which the woman had been walking. Did she know? Couldn’t she hear it?

Oh goodness, I almost feel like thanking her next time I see her as I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile.

The Basset Is No Help

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Over the weekend my condo started making strange noises.

Not the usual creaks and groans it makes, I’m used to those. Just odd noises and on several occasions the spare bedroom door would pop open for no reason. My bedroom door does that because I open the window and sometimes with the wind the door opens. The spare bedroom door does not usually open. The noises were just kind of creaks and bumps is as close as I can describe them. Just different from the noises I usually hear.

At one point I was watching tv and there was a creak and sort of shuffle from the spare room. I was trying to ignore it because denial will always keep you safe! The Basset however STOPPED CHEWING HIS BONE and jumped up on the couch. An earthquake could hit and that dog wouldn’t leave his bone. So he’s looking at me like WTF was that? I almost expected him to break out into song. I stood up and the Basset followed me to the spare bedroom. Nothing room was fine, window closed.

Later that night again the strange noise and the door popped open. This time me and the dog almost broke out into a stunning rendition of “WTF was that?” The Basset climbed onto my lap making it difficult for me to get up. Sixty-five pounds of scaredy cat Basset on my lap. I shoved him aside and go up to go check the room again. The dog did not follow me this time he got up and headed for the door. Scratching at the door to go out, big help buddy!

There was nothing there again and I closed the door. I’m going to tell myself that maybe it’s because it’s been so hot? Maybe the building has just shifted a bit? I don’t know but everything seems to be fine now.

I had my Granddad’s ashes here for months after he passed away and he didn’t cause me any problems. Now strange noises that have the dog freaking out? Very odd but I think denial is the best way to deal with this and hopefully the strange noises go away.

How To Get Your Husband To Come Home

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During dinner on Saturday with my friend (Love you!) we were catching up on what’s been going on with us. She is married with two children and teaches yoga, also lives in the burbs. I am single, live close to downtown, with hobbies and a part-time dog. We get together pretty regularly but usually we have stuff to catch up on. Work, how her kids are doing, how we’re feeling. The usual stuff, mixed with gossip, bad jokes and critiquing how other people dress.

She has been really busy lately and the kids are home and she has a husband hanging around. Her husband is a WONDERFUL man and I really love how they are together (possibly even more now). My friend is the kind of person who needs alone time. She needs space to take a breath and recharge, then she’s happy to come back to the land of the living. This space has been lacking lately and with general life stuff she was starting to go squirrelly, which I can relate to (I had a total melt down on a family vacation a few years ago but this isn’t about me).

Being tired, just feeling generally rundown and frustrated she was pretty happy when her kids asked to have dinner at a friends. This was great, the husband was suppose to bring home some wine, they would have dinner and a quiet night. FANTASTIC!

She waited for the husband to come home. She checked her phone, no message. She waited. She decided to have a bath. Usually this would calm her down but not today. She was missing a glass of wine to go with the bath. Sometime in the bath she started the loop in her head, the loop that turns into a snowball because your calm rational side fell asleep in the tub.

WHERE THE HELL WAS HE???????

Now out of the tub and checking her phone again. Her mind started to tell her, isn’t that inconsiderate? How was she suppose to enjoy wine if there was no wine? Shouldn’t he AT LEAST call or text to say when he’ll be home? Was she just suppose to wait around until it’s convenient for him to come home? (She has never been the kind to WAIT for a guy and that includes her husband). Communication ……was that really so difficult? He’s the one that said he would bring home wine!!!!!!

WHERE THE HELL WAS HE????????

Working herself into a frenzy and being almost beyond livid at this point she thought there were three options 1) He’s dead 2) He’s in the hospital and can’t use his cell phone 3) He’s an asshole

In her mood she wasn’t worried, she was PISSED and if it turned out to be one or two at this point they would be barely acceptable. At a later date she might feel bad but not today.

She tried sending him a text but her phone froze (I think that was a sign, karma telling her WHOA think about this). What did the text say?

Are you 1) Dead 2) In the hospital 3) Just an asshole?

The phone froze and almost came to an ugly end from her frustration. Now she was going to call. In her mood even she knows this is probably not the best idea, so she did but had a plan.

She called and he answered.

She hung up. As soon as he said “Hello” she was satisfied that the answer was “Just an asshole”. HAH! She knew it! Some brief relief from the feeling of frustration with the feeling of TRIUMPH! She was right, he’s an asshole. This was her mindset as she waited again for her husband to come home.

Her husband arrived home very shortly after. With wine. He apologized and tried to appease her but it was gonna take a good night sleep for rational thought and behaviour to come home.

What was his defence? He knew that she was tired and when tired often likes time alone. He had sent a text earlier saying he was going for a pint but she hadn’t gotten it. This was still his fault. DIDN’T YOU THINK IT WAS WEIRD THAT I DID’NT RESPOND?????????

Yes, yes he did but no news is good news and on his end he thought everything was okay. He had finished a job and gone for a pint at the local pub. Thinking he was doing the right thing and giving her the space she often requires. There was no winning in this situation. Her husband just sucked it up and let her be.

In the morning rational thought did come back, she realized that he is not an asshole and is in fact a kind, patient, caring husband.

This is how you know a good relationship, it’s not how people handle you at your best but how they handle you at your worst. When you go squirrelly, when you’re just mad and frustrated. He’s been through it before, he’ll go through it again (especially with two daughters approaching the teen years, he’s gonna need the pub).

Only one word of advice for the Husband, next time drop off the wine and THEN go to the pub. You don’t even have to stop for long, just open the door, set it down and yell “WINE”. She’ll just come and pick it up, hug it, open it, debate putting a straw in it before she finds a glass and not think twice about you going to have a pint at the pub.

This way you won’t ever have to come home to her wearing an “I’m with asshole…..” t-shirt.

All Is Right With The World Again

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Last week there was a crisis in my house.

The Smarties jar was EMPTY!!!!! OMG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????????

I’ve had the Smarties jar for a long, long time. I’ve always loved Smarties. As a child if somebody was going to get me a present I got Smarties. I got Smarties for Christmas, Smarties for my Birthday, a Smarties egg at Easter, basically what I’m saying is me and Smarties go waaaaaay back.

Then many, many years ago, I can’t quite remember when, I took a jar in the shape of a bear and filled it with Smarties to keep by my bed. Yep you read that right. I keep a jar of Smarties by my bed. I like to make a cup of tea and read in bed, Smarties go well with that habit. Smarties don’t create crumbs, I can eat them one at a time and usually I just eat a handful or two. Also I keep extra Smarties in the cupboard for when the jar needs a refill. This time the jar was empty, the cupboard was bare and it had been so long since that has happened that I really didn’t know what to do.

I survived though, of course I did. The next day I bought Smarties, enough to fill the jar and more to keep in the cupboard. Now the Smarties jar is full again and all is right in my world.

The Smarties jar is awesome I highly recommend everybody have one!

I’m Flabby! (or Thanks Olympics….)

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Flabby is me. I’ve been lazy, very lazy. After watching the Tour de France for three weeks and then watching the Olympics I haven’t been exercising as much as a normally do. The result is I am feeling flabby.

Last week I started getting back into my routine, back on the bike, back to yoga, back to walking home. Oh everyday I curse myself for being lazy because once you lose it you can only get back in shape by putting in the work and that takes effort. Now I am coming home putting on my yoga or cycling gear and heading out the door, as long as I do that I can whine and complain as much as I want. I’m the only one listening anyway and well even I start to block myself out.

Slowly I can feel it coming back, the bike is feeling good again, I’m not feeling like I’m straining in yoga and the walk home is pleasurable. So YAY! Starting to feel good again.

When I tell people that I’m flabby and getting back in shape diet always comes up. The problem is I said flabby not fat. I’m not worried about weight gain, I may have gained a few but I know with the exercise those will come off and if they don’t I’ll look fine because I’m not flabby, I’m in shape. My diet is fine, I eat pretty healthy possibly a bit more chocolate than I should but generally I make my own food, don’t eat fast food and don’t eat too much  (oh except for the cinnamon loaf from Cobb’s bakery that I discovered, that I can eat a WHOLE loaf of no problem!).

I’ve had a lot of diet advice flung my way on how to lose the weight. NO I’m not fat I want to be in shape! Especially after watching the Olympics where there are some AMAZING bodies and actually not a lot of size zero’s. These women are strong and fit, they look GREAT! I don’t have the time or inclination to put in as much time as an Olympic athlete but I do want to be stronger, able to get out and do stuff without dying.

People seem to confuse fitness with thin. I know lots of thin people that are not in good shape, I also know people who are carrying a few extra pounds but they still look good because they are in shape. There is an obsession with not eating carbs or not eating after six in the evening or other tricks to cut calories. Well with my new love of cinnamon loaf the carbs are staying and to not eat after six? I don’t get home from yoga until after nine. I can’t go to bed hungry.

I will smile and thank people for the diet advice which I don’t need (also I am not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, really I’m a size four) and keep exercising to get rid of the flabby and find my strength again.

Plus the wonder of exercise is you can eat MORE!

Really it’s a win-win!