I found a few old journals from about fifteen years ago. It was surprising as I thought I had burned them all in a brilliant idea of getting rid of the past. It didn’t work. I read them all before I burned them. Then they were gone but the past hung around.
What I do remember from reading them was realizing my life went in circles. Same stuff year after year. This wasn’t one or two journals these were journals I had kept from around seventeen to around twenty-eight. What a mess I was, spinning my own wheels. I had plans and yet the to do list remained remarkably similar year after year. Square one over and over and over again.
What was holding me back? Mostly myself. Finding these journals I could finally see a change. I am not the person whining in those journals, my to do list is now different. I am much closer to who I want to be, the to do list in those journals many of the items have been done or are no longer important.
So what changed? First I have let go of a lot of baggage and started looking forward instead of back. I started to not only make a list but also a plan. A list without a plan is just a list. To this day I make lists, I love lists but now I also make a plan.
Okay I want to travel…. Where? When? How much do I need to save? Book it!
What steps to I need to do to get from point A to point B? I no longer tell myself I can’t do something but ask how? What do I need to do? It’s also realizing that many things take time, change doesn’t happen overnight but with a plan you can chart your progress and see the way.
I like making plans. A plan involves more lists, coordinating, organizing and a budget. I love budgets. I’m not the only one. I have a friend and we can talk budgets and savings for hours. Usually while wandering around a stationary store, we love all the folders, pens, notebooks all that organizing potential! Yeah we’re freaks.
So now I don’t know what to do with these journals, maybe burn them but this time I believe the past would go with them. Or keep them to remind myself how far I’ve come. Now I am looking ahead, while recognizing how the past has made me who I am, now that I’ve read them I don’t need them.
I think another burning is in order.